Caitlyn and Sam trust in each other's lead

For many men, the weight of one of the most life-changing events can be measured in four words: Will. You. Marry. Me.

But for Sam Oates, what may be one of the most pivotal moments in his life wasn’t spent on one knee, ring in hand. Nor was he alone with the woman he loved when his life diverged on a new path. In fact, Sam was surrounded by a small group of friends and plenty of strangers when it happened, and he didn’t ask a simple question. Instead, he answered one. 

The question: Do you want to dance?

First Night

It was Dec. 31, 2002, and Sam was set to ring in the New Year with a group of friends at Boston’s First Night, a celebration of the community’s diverse culture, highlighting visual and performance arts, that annually draws an audience of about 1 million.

Each of Sam’s friends had purchased event buttons, which gained them entrance to special events around the city.

Among the group was Caitlyn Zeller, then a high-school senior. She was an acquaintance Sam had met through mutual friends, and with whom he’d shared an uneventful two-year history. They  occasionally chatted (or quibbled) online and met in person from time to time, but hardly considered themselves good friends. 

They had recently reconnected when Sam came home to take a semester off after completing his first term at Yale. Over the holidays, he went to see his brother, Chris, perform at the Roxbury Latin School Christmas Concert.

He ended up brushing elbows with Caitlyn since they both were meeting up with the same friend at the school. Caitlyn had not planned on seeing Sam, but said she was forced to stand behind him during the performance since the audience had already filled every seat. 

While in the past there were no “sparks” between them, Sam said during the concert there was budding interest from both parties. They talked to each other between songs and during the intermission.

After the concert, Caitlyn and Sam continued their conversation and noted they’d probably end up seeing each other soon since some of their friends were planning to go to First Night.

When that night arrived, Caitlyn, ever the instigator, willed the group to use their event buttons and take in a dance lesson as part of the night’s entertainment. And not just any dance, the Argentine Tango.

Sam wasn’t a lifelong dancer with natural rhythm and impeccable footwork. He was a bright, but otherwise typical, college freshman just out looking to have some fun with his friends. Nevertheless, he agreed to participate in the class. 

The plan was to evenly exchange partners throughout the hour-and-a-half lesson, though Caitlyn and Sam ended up dancing disproportionately more time together than with their other friends.

“I think he was crushing on me,” Caitlyn said. “ ... Sam wanted to dance with me.”

The next day, Sam was ready to make his move without an audience. He called Caitlyn and asked if she’d like to enroll with him in the dance class the group was promoting at First Night. Caitlyn said she knew Sam wasn’t just eager to polish up his improvisational movements, but that she was open for what could develop — mostly on the dance floor.

“I was psyched,” Caitlyn said. “I liked (the Argentine Tango). I liked to dance. And I was starting to like (Sam).”

Within days, Caitlyn and Sam were already set to meet up without their group of friends and become dance partners. It was the first of what would be many Wednesdays spent together on the dance floor. Such meetings ordinarily would have been reserved for the weekend, but with the precondition of the dance class, Caitlyn’s parents allowed her to see Sam on a school night. 

“It was very clever,” Sam said. “With Tango, I got to take (Caitlyn) out in the middle of the week, too.”

Soon, Caitlyn and Sam were more than just dance partners, though it didn’t become official for a few weeks. Sam first kissed Caitlyn after their Jan. 22 class.

“I told him over the phone the next day that just because he kissed me, it didn’t mean that we were boyfriend-girlfriend,” Caitlyn said. 

Sam formally asked Caitlyn to be his girlfriend the next day.

No set steps

Little did Sam or Caitlyn realize the Argentine Tango would be such an appropriate activity for their fledgling relationship. 

The dance can be preformed in any number of embraces, from the leader and the follower connected at arm’s length, to both parties dancing chest to chest. There are no set steps and the follower must rely on subtle cues from the leader to feel the music and infer where the next move will lead.

The dance offered the couple an instant physical intimacy often reserved for more seasoned couples, and instilled with Caitlyn and Sam many vital life lessons.

“(The dance) teaches you about self discipline, boundaries, trust ... challenges,” Caitlyn said.

Most importantly, the dancing taught the couple to have excellent communication, a  paramount skill as their relationship grew.

There was no shortage of challenges and uncertainty for the couple with both set to go to school away from each other the following fall — Sam back to Yale, and Caitlyn entering as a freshman at George Washington University.

Sam said they looked at their relationship with their eyes wide open, and that from its onset, they figured they’d have seven to eight months together before school would put an end to their time together. Still, they were both happy with the temporary situation.

“We were both, at the time, a very new experience for the other — in a fun way,” he said.

The couple continued to spend more and more time together, dancing, hanging out on the weekends and simply enjoying each other’s company. Sam even escorted Caitlyn to her senior prom.

As the summer months pressed on and fall drew nearer, Caitlyn and Sam knew the inevitable separation was around the corner. The couple decided to  commemorate  their relationship for the remarkable experience it had been for both of them.

“We celebrated dating for six months, because I thought that was it,” Caitlyn said. “I thought we were going to break up.”

They made handmade gifts for one another for the occasion. Caitlyn learned how to knit and made Sam a scarf to keep him warm on those bitter-cold Connecticut winter days; and a self-conscious  Sam wrote, performed and recorded his own rendition of Van Morrison’s “Brown Eyed Girl” — the lyrics revised to pay homage to Caitlyn’s brilliant green eyes.

“It was really sweet,” Caitlyn said. “He put a lot of work into it.”

When fall arrived and the couple went their separate ways, a funny thing happened — they didn’t break up.

Trust and communication

Caitlyn and Sam’s dance continued throughout their college experience, the couple was perpetually in a pattern defined by vast spells of separation made bearable with brief periods of closeness.

They not only maintained but thrived in their long-distance relationship. While many of their peers established their dating lives by being physically close, Caitlyn and Sam enjoyed being independent and fully engaged in the college experience. 

“A lot of our relationship was built on communication,” Sam said. “Our interests aren’t very similar when compared to most couples. We didn’t go to the same school, we didn’t share the same set of friends.”

What Caitlyn and Sam did have was the same fundamental values in life and  a common respect for one another as individuals. They seemed to make a science out of making their relationship work. Daily discussions on the phone were a must as well as face-to-face visits about once a month. 

By the next year, Caitlyn and Sam fell into a comfortable rhythm and even survived a temporary break when Caitlyn began her studies at the University of Pennsylvania in fall 2004. Their monthly visits were filled with quality time, even if that meant “vegging out” on the couch or studying together.

When their study load permitted, Caitlyn and Sam would also hang out with each other’s friends, try new restaurants, explore each other’s collegiate city and cook for one another.

Caitlyn perfected a signature treat for Sam whenever he would visit her in Philadelphia. The “Sam-wich,” or “Meatwad,” as it was known, was a muffuletta-style sandwich featuring a round loaf of bread, hollowed out and stuffed with layers of salami, cheese, olive tapenade and red peppers. The concoction was compressed, wrapped in plastic wrap and left to congeal in the refrigerator over night.

“Everyone always knew when Sam was coming, because I’d go to the store and buy an obscene amount of food,” Caitlyn said.

Everything old is new again

Sam was accepted for an internship with Google in the summer of 2007, a boost to his promising career. However, it was one that sent him across the country to Phoenix, and thousands of miles from Caitlyn, who had her undergraduate degree and was working at Dana Hall School back in Wellesley, Mass.

The couple’s ritual of going over the happenings of their days was rocked by the difference in time zones and the strong communication they once had was put to the test. To make matters worse, Caitlyn was traveling in Europe for three weeks with her family making it even more difficult for the couple to stay connected. 

“That was hell,” Sam said.

It seemed as though Caitlyn and Sam were destined to be apart. Thankfully, Sam was offered a full-time position with Google in  Cambridge, Mass., after he graduated from Yale with a degree in electrical engineering and computer science the following December. 

While the job put Sam in the same state as Caitlyn, the couple fell into the familiar ebb and flow of being together and apart as Caitlyn went back to school to pursue her master’s degree in psychology from Springfield College, two hours away.

After a year and a half of their new but customary, routine, Sam made certain he and Caitlyn would be separated no more. He proposed to Caitlyn on June 12, 2009, while the couple was vacationing in Homer, Alaska.

After spending some time with Sam’s family in the area, the two found time to themselves and took a water taxi across Kachemak Bay to the state park’s hiking trails, where a glacial lake peppered with icebergs set the scene for a serene proposal.

Sam said seeing how much his aunt and uncle adored Caitlyn, reaffirmed how much he wanted to marry her.

“Caitlyn is my soulmate” he said “She was someone I could talk to every night. We had a substantial relationship.”

Taking a brief break from the adventure to eat lunch, Caitlyn set down her backpack and turned around to find Sam down on one knee. 

“Will you marry me?” he quickly asked.

Caitlyn, who had woken up early for the hike, was flustered that she wasn’t glamorously made up for the occasion as she had envisioned it. Still, that didn’t faze her delight.

“Oh God,” she responded. “Yeah! Yeah, I will, I mean, yes, yes.” 

The couple ate and hiked on. They decided to only tell Sam’s aunt and uncle so that they could enjoy the rest of their time in Alaska without being on the phone. 

When they returned to Massachusetts, it would be nearly a year before Caitlyn and Sam finally ended their more than seven-year, long-distance relationship.

Caitlyn and Sam were married June 19, 2010, in Hull, Mass.